Sort(a confus)ing
by HolyPalmers'Kiss
Summary: The story of Harry Potter retold. Some people have been sorted differently and it has very interesting results. Because dividing children into groups based on characters traits that don't even begin to cover the diversity of their personality by an old, singing hat makes you doubt the Founders intelligence. And because that's what I would have done, had I been that hat.
1. Tom Riddle: Sorting

**Tom Riddle: Sorting**

My, my that's quite an impressive mind, Mr. Riddle

…

Slytherin would love to have you, so sly and cunning

Yes, put me there.

My, to declare such thing is these dark times. People are not quite nice to the Snakes, with the war now more than ever. It takes courage and bravery to admit such thing… hm, Gryffindor then perhaps?

What? No, I belong in Slytherin!

All right, all right… Then again, with such a thirst for knowledge, you'd be great in Ravenclaw as well…

No! Put me in Slytherin! I'm already smarter than these brats!

Indeed, not Ravenclaw then… Slytherin then, or… You seem quite loyal to your beliefs too, perhaps…

W-what?

And you work so hard to achieve your goals…. Hmm….

Wait! don't you –

Yes, yes! Better –

No, not –

be –

HUFFLEPUFF!

* * *

I don't own Harry Potter, thank god for that because I would have totally ruined it :/

Warnings: don't take this fic serioulsy

Faves, follows and reviews are appreciated *wink, wink*


	2. Tom Riddle: Hogwarts

**Tom Riddle: Hogwarts**

They smile at him. They put their hands on him. They talk to him.

One even tried to offer him cookies. _Cookies._

He fears what's coming next. Braid his hair, put him in a dress and play doll with him?

They are terrifying. That's not how it should be. _He_ should be terrifying.

But their smiles, their touches, their words, Merlin their _cookies_ are terrifying. And he doesn't know how to deal with them.

Because… no matter how terrifying they are, somehow, for whatever pathetic reason (he blames his muggle ancestors) he doesn't want them to be terrified.

And then one day, when three older Slytherins – he should have been part of them! Should have been bullying Hufflepuffs behind the shadows too – are closing in on him, there's one of them again.

It's Diggory. He's too stunned to react and the Hufflepuff chases the three slytherins away.

He feels pathetic, weak, _muggle._ He was saved by a Badger, perhaps a Lion's intervention wouldn't have been such a blow to his pride. But no it's a smiling, cookies-baking Badger that rescues the Snake in disguise.

Diggory helps him up. _Touching him and not being repulsed and not hating him or glaring at him or -._

"You all right, mate?"

"Fine."

"Sorry, I got here so late. Those bloody snakes are a real pest."

A beat too slow. "Indeed." The idiot doesn't notice.

"But don't worry, right," he claps him on the shoulder, "We Puffs help each other out, 'kay? If you need help again just tell me or another prefect."

"Of course." Diggory seems to notice his dispassionate voice though.

"I'm serious Riddle. I'm not entirely sure why the Hat put you in Hufflepuff, you might have better been a Rave, but you're one of us now. That makes you family and family helps each other, doesn't betray each other and loves each other."

They don't and the boy's a fool to think so but most brats here are.

"We'd do anything for you."

That gets his attention. "Anything?"

"Anything at all, Tom."


	3. Severus Snape: Sorting

**Severus Snape: Sorting**

Oh my, what a dynamic mind Mr. Snape

…Thank you

Hmm, how'd you feel about Ravenclaw? You certainly have what it takes… But no, no you'd be wasted there.

I'd prefer Slytherin, please.

Now, so polite! Slytherin huh… yes, yes… You are very cunning, indeed. And those with troubled past often find themselves in the house of Snakes… hmm…

I wish to prove myself.

Prove yourself? You are talking of your blood status? Now, Mr. Snape, that's not a very good motivation! Not to mention Slytherin is not a kind house to those they presume to have lesser blood. It's always difficult to put a half-blood or muggleborn there. I tried several times, in more peaceful periods but Salazar's legacy runs deep with his Snakes. Perhaps they'd do you more bad than good, Mr. Snape… Perhaps not Slytherin then…

But, no… wait…

Hufflepuff would welcome you with open arms, kind folks those badgers. But no, they're not good for you either. You wanted a challenge, no?

I, yes – b-but in Slytherin!

There's but one house that encourages challenges and dares like no other. Yes, yes… And they would not mind your blood. They'd help you achieve your challenges and not sabotage them like the Snakes would do. Very well, Mr. Snape.

N-no, I – anything but Gryffindor! They're, they're –

The best house to help you in proving yourself! Welcome, Mr. Snape, to the house of GRYFFINDOR!


	4. Severus Snape: Hogwarts

**Severus Snape: Hogwarts**

They're idiots. All bloody idiots. Dunderheads who can barely tell the difference between a snitch and bludger.

And they're so damn cheerful all the time, throwing parties here and there. They're loud, so very, very loud.

But they laugh with him, instead of at him when he makes a mistake. They don't except anything in return for borrowed notes. They make fun of his nose and he makes fun of their appearance and they don't hold a grudge.

They laugh. Sling an arm round his neck. Actually encourage his sarcastic comments.

When they notice his little appetite, they coax him to eat more. When they notice the bruises, they talk to Pomfrey. When he can't sleep at night, they stay up with him.

And Lily, his first friend (not only friend anymore), is there and helping. Talking theories with him and reading books with him.

She holds his hand when Slytherins insult them. Hugs him when Ravenclaws don't know how to appreciate intellect outside their own house.

Everything is perfect. Even though they're loud idiots.

Except for Potter. Potter laughs at him, pranks him, mocks him. Wants to take Lily from him.

He's the biggest idiot of them all. The loudest too.

Gryffindor's house gets divided, in those who support Potter and those who stand by him.

It ends with a formal duel, a self-invented spell to the chest and a half dead Potter.

Lily leaves him, most Lions do. Hufflepuff turns against him. So does Ravenclaw.

The Slytherins though, welcome him with open arms.

And even though they laugh at him, mock him and except a bargain in their favor, this is how it's supposed to be.

He was never meant to be a Lion, never meant to be a hero.

For people like him, the story isn't supposed to end well.

But even people like him hope for better and when Marvolo Riddle shows interest in his spell creation and potion skills, you can't really blame him for naïve mistakes.

* * *

So very sorry for the veeery late update but school was being a bitch *sigh*


	5. Peter Pettigrew: Sorting

**Peter Pettigrew: Sorting**

So, so Mr. Pettigrew, welcome to Hogwarts

Thank you, um… uh, sir…

Mmhmm, where to put you huh… you don't really carry any house traits yet it seems… Tell me, where would you like to be Sorted hmm?

U-um, I can choose, um sir?

Hmm…

Uh, j-just not Slytherin, all b-bad wizards go there… And um not Hufflepuff because um then the others will l-laugh at me…

Gryffindor or Ravenclaw then, very well. Let's see hmm…

I-I'd prefer Gryffindor, s-sir

The Lions, yes? But you don't really have what it takes to be a Lion, Mr. Pettigrew. And just like the Snakes, Gryffindor's House can be very cruel to their own when not courageous enough… you're not very brave, Mr. Pettigrew

I-I guess not, sir

Ah, you do seem to possess some self-knowledge though and don't you humans say self-knowledge is beginning of all wisdom?

Um – uh, y-yes?

See, you recognize the quote! Very well, very well, Mr. Pettigrew

Uh, does that mean I'll be a G-Gryffindor?

…

…

Well, every beginning is difficult, no? I'll Sort you into RAVENCLAW!

* * *

Anyone wants to guess how this is going to turn out?


End file.
